To Be or Not To Be
As I sit here, looking at the lights on the Christmas tree my mind wonders to Shakespeare, to be or not to be. Is this life worth it or is death the solitude that every part of my being seems to be yearning for, the peace I hope would overwhelm every part of me as I close my eyes. Life is hard but at least I know what to expect but death is the unknown? Is death really peace? Alternatively, is it the selfish side of me wanting to leave it all behind regardless of those I leave behind. Regardless of those, I hurt and abandon by finally closing my eyes. Do I wish to close my eyes, no!!! I’m not yet ready to give up this mortal coil and if you believe in God, as I do, then taking one’s life is a sin. I have no right to take what god gave me.
The New Year is looming and I feel a sense of the unknown. Would 2019 be better? Even 10% better than 2018, would feel like a 360-degree turnaround for me. During 2018, I felt like Sisyphus from Greek mythology? Made to push a boulder up a hill for all eternity as punishment for my sins. As I almost reach the top the boulder falls back down the hill, forever missing my goal, forever missing that goal of feeling some form of achievement. Well that is how I feel every day. I can see the top but cannot quite reach it and when I think I can start again tomorrow, I find I am back at the bottom and having to repeat the exercise all over again. Granted I am not a murderer and indeed have not murdered my brother, though I have thought about it many times, God forgive me for my impure thoughts!!!!
Is this life a test? For many of us it feels like that, everyday pushing a boulder up a hill to no avail. Sisyphus however took this punishment in his stride and no matter how many times that boulder rolled back down the hill, he embraced this tiresome task and strived to reach the top. This is life; unlike Sisyphus, we can reach the top.
The thought of a New Year for me is my fresh start. I can forget about 2018 and the hardship and say I will do better. Are we not the makers of our own future, our own destiny; I truly believe it is not pre-written.
The mistakes I have made in my life were not foreseen; it was not written in the lines on my hands or indeed foretold the day I was born. We are given free will and how we use that free will determines our fate
As I stare at the twinkling lights on the tree, I feel a glimmer of hope, that maybe I will be the brightest star in the sky this Year and will not be overshadowed by all the other stars. Maybe this is my year to shift the balance of my body and finally land on my feet. The year I can wake up every morning without that feeling of doom and gloom, without feeling like Sisyphus!!!
To be or not to be, that is indeed the question and I guess to be is what I should strive for? Life gives us chances to try and try again. Death is, as Hamlet states, the undiscovered country and not to be is the easy way out. There is no coming back if you don’t like it. It is truly the unknown. Yet this life gives us an opportunity to do better and maybe, just maybe it is also the undiscovered country. We do not know what life has in store for us or what we will do with the free will, given to us. If our destiny is not pre- written then maybe everyday will be a new discovery, new goals to be met with open arms rather than the thought that we will not achieve it. Using that free will to better our lives and our sense of peace.
To open ourselves to new beginnings and not be afraid to take that leap of faith and feel the confidence we had when we were younger when everyday was a day of wonder and excitement. Life is a gift, a gift that should be treasured and embraced and lived to the fullest; with all its difficulties but most importantly learn to live. I intend this Year to be the Year that I take those chances, what do I have to lose? Nothing!!! If it does not work, I will try and try again.
When it is time to close my eyes, I will hopefully, end up in the Kingdom of Heaven and yes, the peace that I yearn for will finally be mine or can I make this life peaceful and never want to leave it? Is it possible to have heaven on earth, a life without sadness and strife? Death is an appointment we cannot avoid but maybe sadness and strife can be avoided.
The true gift from god is this life and what we make of it. I do not agree with Hamlet, life is also the undiscovered country with one advantage, the life that we have already lived teaches us what to avoid and not to make the same mistakes again, I for one am looking forward to discovering the rest of my life in this New Year, to put aside my doubts and fears.
Make this New Year your year and grab the bull by its horns. Be fearless like Achilles but unlike Achilles know your weaknesses and learn to protect it. The strongest part of you can achieve so much.
As I continue to stare at the twinkling lights on the tree, I feel an overwhelming sense of hope and peace.
Happy New Year!!!!